There are two categories of advice below: To individuals and to couples. Spouses often have different opinions of the strengths and happiness of their marriages. Even if you have concerns, your partner may not. Further, you might come to realize that your partner is not interested in even talking about those concerns. Hence, you might need to focus on what you can do and not what the two of you can do—at least for now to remove divorce.
Save Divorce by These Simple Tips at Home
That leads to a word of caution: Unless you have serious concerns, don’t make your efforts to strengthen your marriage something that undermines it. If your mate is not interested in doing something different right now, don’t blow that up into a big deal—unless there really is a big problem.
As you will note, more advice below is for couples than for individuals. The reason is that I think it’s harder to navigate what you might try together than what you can do on your own.
- Do your part. There is a lot an individual can do to strengthen a marriage. As my colleagues and I say in all of our resources, “Do your part.” I won’t list a bunch of ideas here (that’s what good books and resources are for), but if you are concerned about your marriage, the sooner you start to turn things around within yourself, the better. For Both of You. If you are both willing to make changes, these ideas are for you.
- Talk. Sit down and talk together about strengthening your marriage. Rather than trying to dig into deeper issues or past hurts, I’d focus on positive steps you could take as a couple to stay on the best path. I am certainly not against deeper talks about issues and history, but the better strategy for most couples is to focus on what you want to try, now, together, to boost and protect your marriage. If talking about how to nudge your relationship forward works well for the two of you, you could sit down and talk once a month about how to stay on course. If you have difficulty with conflict or there are deeper struggles where you do need to take things deeper, see some of the upcoming ideas.
- Read a book or two on marriage or saving marriage life from divorce and try out some ideas. Don’t try to do a lot of things; just find an idea or two that you both like and pursue those. In other words, do something; don’t try to do everything.
- Boost fun and friendship. People get busy, life gets strained, and spouses get distant. My colleague Howard Markman has always emphasized how important it is to keep fun and friendship alive in a relationship. You can make that happen by following this simple advice that is in all of our
1) Make time for doing enjoyable things together.
2) Protect those times from conflict.
For example, suppose you have carved out some time for going out on a date or taking a walk together. Have an understanding between you that issues and problems are off-limits during those times. Deal with issues at some other time and place and don’t let hassles intrude on your opportunity to relax and be together.
- Consider a relationship workshop. Such workshops are widely available in some parts of the country. Some may be offered by religious organizations and others by community groups (some of which might have government funding to provide such services for free). Also, some relationship experts regularly do workshops for couples (for a fee). Search the web and ask around to see if anything is available in your area.
- If conflict runs high, learn how to get it under control. If you need to, get help in how to manage issues more constructively. If you have children, this advice goes double. Children are negatively affected by exposure to conflict between their parents.Don’t fool yourself by saying you are “keeping it real” in front of the kids. Bunk. Sure, if you handle issues extremely well as a couple (e.g., with great listening, respect, and resolution), that may be good for children to see. But, in general, conflict between parents—especially with escalation and invalidation—is bad for children to be around. And it’s not great for you, either.
- Don’t shout “fire” in a crowded theater. I mean, don’t threaten divorce in the heat of frustrating arguments. A lot of couples say things that should not be said because they are in the heat of battle: “Why did we ever marry?” “Should we just split up?” “Why don’t you just move out if you feel that way?” Sensitive questions to bring you closer together, right? If you do that and you want your marriage to work, stop it. You cannot nurture the desire to invest in your future if you keep reminding each other that there might not be one. Don’t talk about divorce unless you really mean to talk about divorce. Again, learning to take a time-out would help.
- Get professional help. Obviously, some people become deeply unhappy in their marriages. Yet one report I was involved with presented findings showing that many people who report being unhappy at one point but remain married rebound to a much better place within a few years
Hope these simple tricks will remove conflicts from your married life.
A few married couples almost never have any downs—only ups. But most couples with very good marriages have ups and downs. That’s normal. One of the most important things you can do to avoid divorce is to hold reasonable expectations. You didn’t marry someone who is perfect (only your mate did—smile). Expect joy and strains, maddening moments and laughter